First of all, I am sorry that I have taken so long to write. To be honest, this stage is the scariest and therefore, the hardest one to share.
Aug. 29- I started the progesterone shots in the hip. These my friends, these are not fun. I use a 1 1/2 inch needle that is a 22 gauge (that is BIG) and the progesterone is carried in sesame oil so it is thick stuff. I will be having nightly shots until Oct. 24 when I will be 10 weeks pregnant.
Starting these shots was hard. I was nervous about feeling the pain, which they have been very painful for me, but also worried about the implant not working and the shots being for naught. It has been hard to stay positive, but not, all at the same time.
Sep. 3, 2014-
Transfer day- this turned out to be one of the most incredible days (number 2 so far) of the journey.
Mikeal stayed home from work and school so he could take me in. I of course was nervous about feeling pain, I’ll admit, I’m a wimp with pain. I don’t like it and I wig myself out before the pain starts as a type of preparation or something lol.
We went into the Transfer Room and my doctor got me all set up. I of course asked about the pain lol. They said they would give me Valium so I could relax at home and not feel anxious. The resident brought me 2 Valium and dropped one on the floor. I told her I didn’t care, but she insisted on getting a new one. She came back in with my doctor and he said, you’re a lightweight, you only need one. Of course I wanted two because I was afraid of the pain haha.
So a big thing I had been preparing myself for was complete bedrest for 2 days. I was told I couldn’t get up unless it was to shower or go to the bathroom… That would be hard for me, but of course I’d do it for the babe. So, I’m sitting in the chair and my doctor says, “so, you know how we had women go on bedrest after the transfer?
Yes, I’m ready to do that.
Well, a very large, comprehensive study came out yesterday showing an extremely higher increase in successful pregnancies with those women who did not do bedrest, so you won’t either. After you sleep off the Valium, go about your normal day.
What!? I was so surprised! Ha, but ok. This clinic is pretty much top in the nation and I trust my doctor 100% so, ok. 🙂
Now, the best part.
I remember they had U2’s it’s a beautiful day playing softly in the background and they showed us our embryo on a magnetized screen because he was too small to see with the naked eye. I asked if they were sure he was alive after being thawed.
Yes! He’s extremely alive and healthy!
Do you see how bright and shiny he is? That is a very good sign of a very strong embryo.
Then, they laid me back and placed a catheter into my uterus. The embryologist carefully transported our little embryo over and my doctor carefully placed him in the uterus. I’ll never forget that feeling. Mikeal was sitting by my side holding my hand and the U2 music was playing and I had to hold back tears. I felt an instant connection with that little embryo that I can’t explain. It was incredible and like nothing Id ever felt.
Then they did an ultrasound at the same time and showed us our little guy right there in the uterus!
Now, he just needs to stick. Stick stick stick!
We had several people tell us they were sending sticky vibes our way, loved those vibes. Like I’ve said before, every good prayer, thought, and stream of energy helps.
They wheeled me to the car and then the giggles started. Haha the Valium had kicked in and I was feeling great!
We went out to lunch and I was walking like I was drunk! Haha, once we were home, I crashed out for 4 hours and then felt back to normal when I woke up.
Wow… I have a baby inside me! How exciting is this?! How lucky am I?! I realize that normal pregnant moms don’t think this way at 2 1/2 weeks, but normal pregnancy doesn’t include all of this!
The next two weeks were hard. I was just waiting. Period symptoms were normal, cramping was normal, spotting was normal, but bleeding wasn’t a good sign.
I tried to distract myself with work and YW, but each night, Mikeal would give me another shot in the hip and each night I’d think, oh, I hope this works.
My hormones were everywhere, the shots hurt, and I just wanted to know Yes, it worked; No, it didn’t.
I remember one night after work. I exercised and had dinner, but was feeling odd. I was having weird cravings and eating everything in sight, then I started to feel really bloated and gross. I remember stopping mid-bite and thinking, oh my gosh, I’m going to start my period. This is always how I feel. Spot on. I tried to stay positive, but the next day was nerve racking for me… I was just waiting to bleed!
I never bled. I never spotted. I never had any of the signs that you don’t really want. I kept going, kept waiting.
Sep. 15- most nerve racking day of this journey, so far-
I was going in for my pregnancy test. Usually, Mikeal would draw my blood and run the test, but he had class that morning. I was extremely emotional when I went into the clinic.
Like I’ve said several times, people have been so incredibly kind, supportive, aware, hopeful, and excited for us. It has been so great, but these two weeks of waiting were very hard because I was asked on the daily what the news was…it was hard to focus on anything else.
The clinic, they LOVE Mikeal. They are some of the sweetest people I have ever met in my life. I walked in and everyone was like, “oh my goodness! We are so excited to hear! We are so excited for you two!”
I just tried to hold back the tears. It was so hard to stay positive. You see, after the first pregnancy test, if it was positive, I’d have to go in 2 days later to confirm. If it was negative, I’d have to go in every 2 days until it was an absolute confirmed negative. I did NOT want to have to face everyone day after day. Mikeal had told me how incredibly hard that must have been for other women… I could only imagine.
Mikeal’s friend drew my blood and told him that Mikeal would run the test as soon as he got in that day, I ran out of there as fast as I could, made it to my car, and bawled.
I was so overwhelmed. What a CRAZY journey it had been emotionally, physically, and spiritually the last year and a half. As soon as I was crying, I had stopped. I started to pray, I was so grateful to have gotten this far. I was trying to stay positive, but begged that if it wasn’t what I wanted Id be able to have a clear understanding as to why.
I got home and instantly worried about Mikeal.
Is it the best idea for him to run the test?
What if it’s negative, will that be too hard for him to handle in front of his friends and co-workers?
He assured me that he had prepared himself and was ok. Alright then. He told me he’d get the results to me by 10am.
I started working, got on a conference call, lost track of time.
10:25am. Oh my gosh, why hasn’t he called? It’s bad news. He doesn’t know how to tell me. I was going crazy inside waiting for this. I just wanted to know yes or no so I could move on….
I texted Mikeal and just begged him to tell me.
“The controls failed and I need to re-run it. I’ll have the results no later than 11am”
I went back to work, I can do this.
10 minutes later, Mikeal walked through the door with flowers. I looked at him waiting for an answer. Luckily, he didn’t hesitate.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, are you serious.
“Yes babe, I wouldn’t joke about this. You’re pregnant, congratulations.”
I ran to him and we both cried.
I was beyond humbled. I was beyond grateful. I was beyond relieved. I was beyond words. Once again, Heavenly Father gave me the answer to my question I had been asking for the last 10 years.
Will I ever have kids?
Can I have kids? How can I not pass on this disease? I have so many menstrual issues, will it even work for me?
Through God, all things are possible and wonderful things come to pass, even miracles.
This. This is a miracle. I am so lucky, blessed, and grateful.
From that day forward, I haven’t even questioned wether I will go full term or not. I will. I am not worried. I am so grateful. I went back to my normal exercising and noticed another HUGE blessing… No PMDD.
PMDD goes away during pregnancies and can come back with a vengeance afterwards, but it goes away for 9 months! Hallelujah!!! What an incredible cherry on top this has been for me. And for Mikeal. 🙂
Sep. 16- Mikeal got his MCAT score back. He didn’t do as well as he needed to. He was bummed. I was bummed for him. We were both grateful the score came the day after the great baby news instead of the same day. 🙂 This trial for Mikeal will turn out to be another way God works things out in a way that will be best for us, even if we don’t understand. He’s signed up to re-take it in January.
Sep. 25- Mikeal and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary! We bought our first little piece of clothing for baby boy. Bah! So fun. 🙂
Like I’ve said before, this experience has been one of the hardest to go through with Mikeal, but it has brought us so much closer together and it has increased our faith in God and their plan for us 100%. To this point, it has been an experience that I will be able to reflect back on during times of doubt and fear and say, it’ll work out. It ALWAYS does. Even if it’s not in my timeframe, which it never is! It works out and is always the way it should have worked out.
It always works out the way it should work out. This is not an easy concept to grasp or always believe and remember. It has been 9 years since my mom died and 8 1/2 years since my brother died and I still don’t know how them dying was the best solution. I have definitely recognized how much more they have been able to help me since they have left this world, but with the earthly mentality to struggle with here, I may never full understand why it was best for them to leave us. However, I am starting to understand that with some things in life, we won’t know the answers until the next life and that is OK. Why is it ok? Because life is good. God is incredible. We’re all here to do our best, help others, and be happy. So, it’s all OK.
Dec. 9- move forward to today. I am over 16 weeks pregnant and so beyond grateful, happy, peaceful, and humbled at several things:
1. The grace and way Our Heavenly parents works. Mikeal and I both feel like They have walked us to this point in our life. They have been right there by our side leading us, helping us, and showing us the way. I am so grateful for this opportunity to be pregnant as I know so many desiring women will never get the chance even though they may be much more deserving than me. I can’t compare my life or ask why because it is what it is. I can be grateful and enjoy every moment of this journey which is what I’m doing!
2. Mikeal- this has been hell for me emotional and physically for sure, but emotionally, this has drained him. The fact that we are still married and actually stronger than ever is a miracle. I love him and am so so so glad I listened to my heart and mind and chose him 6 years ago- best decision of my life. Our future is still so unsure, hell, day to day is unsure, but I know it’ll work out in the end because it always does. Mikeal is the best example of this- have faith, chill out, laugh, work hard, it’ll work out!
3. Incredible friends and family. There are a select few of you who have been there for me and with me since the beginning. I am so grateful for you and all the incredible energy, faith, love, and support you’ve been. I have very few close friends, but they are the best.
4. Medicine and technology and medical staff. When I was 18 years old, I never thought I would get pregnant for several reasons. Expensive, reproductive issues preventing me from possible pregnancy, and the lack of technology to have successful results. Even during the process things improved! My doctor called me randomly one day while I was still doing tratings and told me that my chances of pregnancy full term would increase from 32% to 72% due to the small change of freezing embryos for at least 30 days before implementation. This was HUGE! 32% is low and mine was much lower due to the genetic component, so this was such an advancement. The research going into medicine and technology is mind boggling and means so much to me. I can’t wait to do two things:
1. Bring my baby boy into my doctor and nurses when he’s born.
2. Help someone else financially and emotionally with this same journey.
Pay it forward.
Thank you for following my journey, it has been oh so worth it.